Disclaimer! If you're on the fence about having kids because something could go wrong in your deliver, DO NOT CONTINUE. My situation was not good, but it was rare. I don't want anyone to read this and let it scare you into not having a baby. These last few weeks with Claira in my arms have been life changing and totally worth it. If you DO continue reading, keep in mind that this is a birth story and might get a little graphic at times ;) Also remember that things don't always go exactly according to plan. And sometimes they are WAY away from the plan. Here's Claira's birth story.
On Wednesday, September 16th, I had come to 40 weeks and a day in my pregnancy. I had a doctor's appointment that morning and I was REALLY hoping that it would be my last one before I had the baby. I was so anxious to meet her!
Ok now back up to... Well, every other day of my life. I'm a planner. I like to know what to expect because it makes me feel like I know what I'm doing and I have a little bit of control. When I found out I was going to have a baby, I wasted no time in creating a "birth plan". This was written as an outline and basically covered everything I wanted during labor and delivery. I'll write it out in paragraph form so you get the gist.
The first thing I wrote about was having a natural labor. I wanted to try to go natural because I hated (HATED) the idea of not being able to get out of bed and being hooked up to cords and machines FREAKED me out. I really thought that using breathing techniques and mental imagery, etc, I could get through the pain. I thought I could do it. And, to be honest, I still think I could do it...
The second thing was about getting an epidural. Since I'd never had a baby before, I didn't want to over estimate my pain tolerance and then wait until it was too late to ask for the epidural. I also didn't want to feel like a failure if I needed relief from the pain. So I decided not to completely rule out the option of getting one, just in case.
The next thing I wrote about was after delivery requests. The two main ones were "delayed cord clamping", and immediate "skin-to-skin contact". If you're unfamiliar with these terms, and are super curious, give em a google ;)
And last thing I requested was getting a cesarean as an absolute LAST resort. I did NOT want to go into surgery. I did NOT want the recovery pain of a cesarean. Only one person is allowed in the operating room with you and I did NOT want to have to kick out any of our loved ones.
There were a few more things I requested on my birth plan, but these are the main ones. I'm sure just looking at my birth plan had doctors rolling their eyes ;) but anyway, fast forward to my 40 week doctor appointment.
My mom had been in town for a week and a half, waiting for the baby to come. Normally Jon skips a couple hours of work to come with me to my doctor's appointments, but for this appointment, I asked my mom to come. The nurse did her normal routine: asked for a urine sample, took my blood pressure, weighed me, and then we waited for my midwife, Paige.
When Paige came in, she said my protein levels were higher than normal, and she said my blood pressure was a little high. She wanted me to go to the hospital across the street to get some blood work done. So I call Jon and he met us at the hospital. My bloodwork showed that I was developing preeclampsia, which can cause many more serious problems. They wanted to induce me right away.
After what seemed like forever, they finally had a delivery room ready for us. They put an IV port in my arm and started the pitocin at 345 pm. At first the contractions were very mild. We were pretty chilled out, watching tv, talking even through contractions. At this time I was dilated to 3cm. At about 430, Paige came back in to my hospital room and told me she was going to break my water. She had something that looked like a latch hook... Very intimidating!
Honestly, for me, having my water broken was one of the worst parts of the whole process. I've heard other people say it feels weird, it feels cool, etc. For me, it felt awkward and humiliating. I just felt like I had peed right in my midwife's face, then I was peeing myself for 20 minutes straight, and then several random times after that. Sorry for saying the word "pee" so much but you had to know in a blog post about giving birth, I was gonna keep it real ;)
So now I had pitocin which started contractions, they had broken my water, and labor was supposed to start really picking up. Paige checked me before she left and said I was still at 3 cm, but we should see a lot of progress over night. The contractions continued to get closer and stronger. I asked my mom to turn the lights low and turn on some music. I labored all night, breathing and praying through contractions, standing up against Jon, sitting on a birthing ball, laying in bed. It was difficult, but I felt like I was in a good place mentally to be able to handle it for a while longer.
When Paige came in to check me at around 630 the next morning, I prayed that I had made significant progress. She checked my cervix... And I was dilated to 4 cm. After 13 hours of labor, I had progressed 1cm. Paige told me that she knew I wanted to try to go natural, but maybe taking an epidural would help my body relax, and I would progress more quickly. She said it was completely up to me, but that much time and that little progression wasn't good. Plus, Claira hadn't budged a bit in the birth canal. I weighed the options and talked to Jon, Pam, and my mom, and we all knew that if something had to change because this route wasn't working. So I decided to get the epidural.
It didn't take long for the anesthesiologist to make it to the room. I was extremely nervous about having the epidural shot in my back, but I knew we were making the right decision. I sat up on the bed and the dr started wiping something cold on my back. He felt my spine and found the spot he was looking for. Then he said "I'm aiming for the center, if I veer away from the center, say 'left' or 'right' so that I can't make my way back to the center". He started inserting the needle.
I'll just say now, this was another terrible part of the whole laboring process. I've heard people say their epidural didn't hurt, they barely felt it, etc. In my opinion, the epidural was worse than any of the contractions. It was excruciating and terrifying, and the worst part was that I started losing control, mentally. I had kept a pretty strong state of mind through the whole thing so far, and I could feel it slipping. I started crying, I couldn't breathe. I was losing it. And my anesthesiologist was much less than gentle, even when I told him I was having a contraction and he was hurting me, he said "you'll thank me later". It was awful!!
Finally it was over, and within minutes, the epidural started taking affect. I felt the edge being taken off the contractions. I took a few minutes to text some friends and update them on what was happening. Then I took a nice long nap...
After I received my epidural, I labored for 11 more hours. So altogether, I had been in labor for 25 hours. It was almost 5:00 pm. Paige checked my cervix. I was PRAYING that she would say it was time to push, or at least that we were getting close. But as soon as she checked me, I could tell it wasn't going to be good.
"You're about 6 cm dilated, and she hasn't come down at all. At this point, even if you were at 10cm, she would be too high for you to push out. You'd be pushing for hours and it would probably end up in cesarean. She's just too big for your pelvis."
I was so disappointed. I started crying right away. She told me it was still up to me. She could check me in a few hours and if I was progressing, they could hold off on a cesarean for a while longer. However, having my water broken for so long did put me at risk for infection. She gave me the facts, and she was straight forward. But the entire time, she left it up to me and she was very compassionate. I spent a couple of minutes talking to Jon and our moms about it, and we all agreed it was time for her to come.
Since I already had my epidural, they didn't have to do much to prep me for surgery. They wrapped my hair up and laid me flat on the bed, then wheeled me into the operating room. Jon had to put all of his sterilized hospital garb, and while I was laying there waiting for things to begin, I just prayed to God for comfort, and told Claira I was so sorry that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do to bring her into the world. I felt like I had failed, but I promised her that even though I couldn't bring her into the world the way I was supposed to, I would do everything I could to keep her safe and be the best mommy I could be despite this.
Jon came into the operating room and I prayed God would let me keep control of my thoughts and not panic. They put the curtain up so that I couldn't see anything below my waist. A doctor told me that he was going to press something cold against my belly, and he wanted me to tell him when I could feel it's pressure, but not the cold anymore. After about 4 tries, I could feel the pressure of the object on my belly, but I couldn't tell if it was warm or cold. I guess that meant the medication had taken effect and it was time.
I felt them make the first incision. No pain, just pressure, but it was still a very unnerving feeling. It happened so fast, and then all the sudden, I heard her cry. I looked at Jon and he said "did you hear that??" And I started to cry. I wanted to see her so bad. I wondered if they still did delayed cord clamping- I forgot to ask before. I wanted to hold her and have our few moments of skin to skin.
But instead, Jon went blurry. Then the room went blurry. I could feel them doing something to my stomach and this time it hurt. I could feel myself talking, but I didn't know what I was saying. I saw Jon get up and walk across the room towards the sound of our baby. I heard them say a big number in kilograms or something, and then they said "9 pounds 7 ounces". She was still crying and I felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to see her and hold her more than I've ever wanted anything.
Then I felt nauseous. I remember turning my head to the side and throwing up... At least 3 times. Then I remember them putting an oxygen mask on my face. I think I closed my eyes, because everything went black.
This next part, I wasn't a part of. This is what I've been told by my family, my doctor, my midwife, and my sweet husband. But I'll share their recollection of the hours that followed.
Jon heard the doctor call for 2 blood transfusions. The doctor saw Jon look at him and said "it's just in case, don't worry". Then Jon was asked to go to the nursery with Claira. At first, he was the only one allowed in the nursery. So he was the first one to touch her and hold her. He still enjoys saying that he's known her longer than anyone else. (Even though I carried her in my belly for 9+ months, but whatever 😉) After a while, Paige came out to talk to them. She spoke to our moms first. She said that I had hemorrhaged during my cesarean. Basically, my uterus didn't get any smaller after they got Claira out, and instead it was just filling with blood. They thought they had gotten it under control, so they sewed me up. However, they realized pretty quickly that I was still bleeding profusely, so they opened me back up. Paige said they were still trying to stop the bleeding, but there was a chance I would be sent to ICU and may have to have a hysterectomy. I had also been intubated, meaning they had to put a tube down my throat to stabilize my breathing. Pam and my mom asked Paige to tell Jon. They looked over at Jon through the glass window of the nursery and he was looking right at them. From the reactions of my mom and Pam, it was obvious that something was wrong, and Jon knew it.
Paige went to Jon and told him what was going on. That was the first time Jon had broken down throughout the entire process. Later, he told me that he couldn't help but think about him and Claira leaving the hospital and going home without me. But he stayed in the nursery with our baby girl, put his hand on her tiny body to comfort her, watched her, and was literally the first person in the world with whom she was able to bond.
Later the surgeon, Dr Geushard, came out to tell them I was stable and in recovery now. Then he told them what he had to do to get the bleeding to stop. Usually, during a csection, the uterus starts contracting back to its normal size as soon as the baby is taken out. My problem was, Claira was so big that my uterus had been stretched like a balloon and it wasn't contracting back down. Instead, it was filling with blood which was then spilling out... Pretty much everywhere. I had lost about 3 liters of blood and altogether I received 6 blood transfusions. The surgeon had to take my uterus out of my body, fold it in half like a taco, suture it together, and put it back in. Then he sewed me back up for a second time. Yowza!
That's pretty much all I know about what was going on outside the operating room. I was, of course, unconscious. The next thing I vaguely remember was getting an X-Ray done and hearing Jon's voice. After that, I remember my mom saying my name several times, then I remembering opening my eyes and seeing my baby. I noticed that she had so much hair. I also looked to see if she had a cone head since I'd been in labor for so long. She didn't ;) Then, in my "just-coming-back-to-consciousness" state, I started undoing my hospital gown so that I could hold her skin to skin. I don't even remember who was in the room but I apparently didn't care! We took some pictures and I just held her to my chest for several minutes until I started to get groggy again and someone took her.
I remember it coming on suddenly- the realization of how many tubes and cords I had connected to my body. There was the cord in my spine for my epidural and later the anesthesia for my csection. There was the catheter- eek! (Actually not as bad as it sounds. It was one of the few things I never felt and it never bothered me) Of course I had the IV in my arm that transferred fluids to keep my hydrated. And I had a tube in my stomach sending pain medication to my incision area. But the absolute worst was something called a "central line". It was this awful cluster of tubes coming out of my neck like a plastic squid. I later found out that central lines usually go in the patients chest, but they tried to get it in my chest and couldn't find a vein large enough. So they went in through the artery in my neck. The central line is how they transferred the blood transfusions into my body. I know it was necessary, but it was just awful. It was heavy, it pulled down on my skin, it got tangled in my hair, and it made sleeping impossible. And I had to keep it in from Thursday- Sunday in case there was an emergency and I needed more blood. I also had an oxygen tube in my nose, but I took that out and no one noticed. Ha! 😉
The next few days in the hospital were rough. My entire body hurt, and I still wasn't completely all together, mentally. Jon took care of the baby completely for the first couple of days. I remember bits and pieces, but even now those first few days of Claira's life are a blur. There have been several times where a memory would come back to me, and I'd share it with Jon so he could tell me if it was real or a dream. My memories are a pretty even mix of things that actually happened, and things I dreamed about during that time.
Part of me feels a little robbed. I didn't get the birth experience I wanted, I didn't get to do skin to skin. I didn't even meet my baby girl until 4 hours after she was born. In fact, I was the last person in the family to meet her. I've been told several times that I could have died. Because my delivery was so traumatic, I don't qualify for a vaginal birth after cesarean. So any future babies we have will be delivered via csection. I'll never be able to experience the type of delivery I planned and wanted.
BUT I am alive and well. Claira was completely healthy the entire time. She's brought so much joy and meaning to my life. Although this was a crazy experience and it scares me to think about ever doing it again, Claira has been so worth it. I thank God so much for protecting her and for healing me. I hope this post wasn't too graphic or disturbing for anyone... but there you have it! That's how Claira was brought into the world!
Thanks for reading :)
Have a wonderful day.
